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life is strange lately.
i've had a lot of trouble with insomnia as of late. for some reason, i just don't get tired. my mind is constantly racing but i have no desire for sleep and exhaustion only hits me when it really matters (a job or school situation). i've fallen in and out of love multiple times throughout the past six or so months. am i in love? i'm not sure. i think i'm in love with the idea of being in love. of someone caring for me, and being there consistently when i need them. i do know that i WAS in love when i was younger. i think that love requires a special kind of attention and effort to make that feeling last. lately, i am feeling neglected and envious of those around me who seem to dote on each other and take special care of each others needs. i am too co-dependent to end things with steve, and i do care about him very much but he is not providing me with what a relationship should entail. it seems so easy and that i should just end it, but i would miss him terribly and i know he feels the same. where do we go from here?
i met a boy named sean that i work with who i thought i was falling for. things were a little strange for a while, and i was in a weird state and situation with steve. i explained to steve that we should maybe start exploring other options. he didn't fight with me, which confused and saddened me just a little bit. i don't really know what i was expecting. i ended up getting close with this kid sean and pulling away really fast once i realized what i was doing, which hurt him in the process. i just wasn't ready for anything new yet. leave it to me to fuck with people's emotions, eh?
i started classes at nhti and withdrew due to mimi going through chemotherapy and radiation. i'm getting ready to take care of her from home as she goes through the enevitable hospice process, so i've appealed my financial aid status with the school in hopes that they will let me re-enroll next semester with online classes.
i got prescribed klonopin for my panic attacks. it's working well so far, but reading up on the side affects horrify me. withdrawals? harder to kick then heroin? possible long term brain damage and chemical altering affects? oh fuck my life. well i guess i'd rather deal with the long term stuff later then deal with the panic disorder that i am facing currently.
heres to hoping life looks up soon, amirite? over and out.
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