life is strange lately.

i've had a lot of trouble with insomnia as of late. for some reason, i just don't get tired. my mind is constantly racing but i have no desire for sleep and exhaustion only hits me when it really matters (a job or school situation). i've fallen in and out of love multiple times throughout the past six or so months. am i in love? i'm not sure. i think i'm in love with the idea of being in love. of someone caring for me, and being there consistently when i need them. i do know that i WAS in love when i was younger. i think that love requires a special kind of attention and effort to make that feeling last. lately, i am feeling neglected and envious of those around me who seem to dote on each other and take special care of each others needs. i am too co-dependent to end things with steve, and i do care about him very much but he is not providing me with what a relationship should entail. it seems so easy and that i should just end it, but i would miss him terribly and i know he feels the same. where do we go from here?

i met a boy named sean that i work with who i thought i was falling for. things were a little strange for a while, and i was in a weird state and situation with steve. i explained to steve that we should maybe start exploring other options. he didn't fight with me, which confused and saddened me just a little bit. i don't really know what i was expecting. i ended up getting close with this kid sean and pulling away really fast once i realized what i was doing, which hurt him in the process. i just wasn't ready for anything new yet. leave it to me to fuck with people's emotions, eh?

i started classes at nhti and withdrew due to mimi going through chemotherapy and radiation. i'm getting ready to take care of her from home as she goes through the enevitable hospice process, so i've appealed my financial aid status with the school in hopes that they will let me re-enroll next semester with online classes.

i got prescribed klonopin for my panic attacks. it's working well so far, but reading up on the side affects horrify me. withdrawals? harder to kick then heroin? possible long term brain damage and chemical altering affects? oh fuck my life. well i guess i'd rather deal with the long term stuff later then deal with the panic disorder that i am facing currently.

heres to hoping life looks up soon, amirite? over and out.

i completed my 3'd day of classes yesterday.

i'm going to NHTI in concord. i was running on my 34th hour of not sleeping yesterday and wandering around campus in a daze. about 3 different times i heard my name being called. it was nice to run into people i knew and pleasantly surprising considering i thought i'd be alone in concord (i'm a manchester kid). apparently nhti is where most people are right now. commmuters like me. i work down the street in concord as well, so i'll eventually end up getting an apartment there. it just doesn't make sense to drive 30-40 minutes a day when i'm doing everything in that area.

my classes are pretty awesome this semester except sociology. i got one of the dreaded monotone professors who drones, drones drones drones. he refuses to do anything digitally as well so we can't submit our stuff through the online area. ah well. i'll survive.

maybe this is my chance to make up for what i missed in high school considering i was never there. campus life seems pretty awesome, even though it's just a CC. 40% of my grade in my second criminal justice class is based on oral presentations which i am absolutely dreading considering i have never done one really. (missed 88% of high school). my doctor is starting me on prozac tomorrow to try and control my panic attacks. i'm not depressed, which is something i felt i needed to make absolutely clear. i'm generally a pretty upbeat and happy person. i just get VERY bad situational anxiety, and get super overstimulated to the point where my heart pounds and i feel the need to escape (flight or fight response?) it sounds like insanity to someone who has never suffered from panic attacks, and i absolutely envy people who can manage stress. i think all the medication i was on as a child really screwed up the chemicals in my brain which i can attribute to the cause of my panic disorder/panic attacks. let's hope this medication will work.

im going to disapear for a while i guess. i feel it's the only way to remain sane.

i feel very much hurt right now, devastated, and abandoned.

this cant have happened at a worst time for me

Rushed after you in my car with the intention of making everything okay, but saw a tired face and eyes that screamed done when you pulled down your window. A slight grin can usually mend, but halfway through opening my mouth something told me not to bother.

I'll miss you.

Current Mood: crushed

What do I do? This is the worst crossroads I've been at in my life.

yesterday i found out that Mimi has had cancer for a while now. i don't know about the prognosis in great detail, but cancer is never a good thing in someone so old. i'm not sure what to do from here. i know i'll be okay since i've been working and preparing for something like this, but it is still going to be so hard to live without her.

thinking about taking her to the butterfly palace since she's been wanting to go back there for so long and I have been blowing her off. i have a lot i want to do and see with her.

i don't even know what to do about funeral arrangements. do i just wait for people to come to me about coming to the funeral or do i go to people myself? i don't want to be awkward. i don't want to leave anyone out though either. she has touched a lot of lives with her humor and compassion and regardless of how some of my own personal relationships have turned out, i know she would want certain people to be there. i guess i'll just take one day at a time.

Current Mood: sad

In my dream, we were walking towards each other. Or past each other. Whatever. We were giving each other dirty, accusing looks and all of a sudden we smiled, started laughing, and for whatever reason, realized how ridiculous our argument had been. We hugged tightly and in the dream I remember telling you about a lot of things. I felt warmth in the dream, and a very deep and blanketing sadness when I woke up.

In other news, I hate working nights and going to bed when most of the world is waking up. It's a very depressing feeling.

My birthday is tomorrow. 19 years. I just want some fucking Ice cream cake. No questions asked.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”

-Mother Teresa