In my dream, we were walking towards each other. Or past each other. Whatever. We were giving each other dirty, accusing looks and all of a sudden we smiled, started laughing, and for whatever reason, realized how ridiculous our argument had been. We hugged tightly and in the dream I remember telling you about a lot of things. I felt warmth in the dream, and a very deep and blanketing sadness when I woke up.

In other news, I hate working nights and going to bed when most of the world is waking up. It's a very depressing feeling.

My birthday is tomorrow. 19 years. I just want some fucking Ice cream cake. No questions asked.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”

-Mother Teresa

there are certain things/people/places that i like to pretend don't exist.

that's my coping skills as of the past year. instead of dwelling, i just pretend it doesn't exist or isn't there or never happened.

so when someone or something gets near me or in my social group, or shows themselves to EXIST again it makes my heart start to pound and I can't handle it because i'm faced with all the overwhelming feelings i've pushed aside. I know that doesn't make any sense, but basically what i'm trying to say is that when something bothers me I avoid it or them as much as possible and drop them from my head.

but what happens when you are faced with the fact that those shitty things do exist? what happens if you're forced into a working environment with that shitty person/place/thing

what happens if they know people close to you?

how do you handle that? these are strictly hypothetical questions of course. i ask because as i pushed my books aside for some early spring cleaning today, i picked up a letter and started to read it. it was dirty and old and clearly had been shoved and gotten stuck between some books years ago and forgotten. my heart started to race as i read the contents and i got a sick panic attack feeling. 

sometimes you get those little reminders, of the things that you choose or wish to forget. regardless, i saved the letter. maybe in a few years when i've detached myself from my current feelings of resentment then i'll be able to appreciate the things from teenage years. for now, they still bug me a bit.

in other news, I bought a 2007 chevy cobalt today. picking it up off the lot tomorrow. got a great deal. $150 a mo. 

i have 7 grand finance wise for a car

i went to go look at this lovely thing (hyundai tuscani) but the interior felt like a coffin inside. the roof was so low to my head, i felt super clastourphobic



idk :/ still looking

life is good... and stuff.

financing a car.

i've been working a LOT.

going to school for criminal justice at NHTI in concord. it's a relatively good school for community college. not sure what i'll use this degree for. maybe forensic work. all i know is that after these 2 years are up i'm transferring to a 4 year program at UNH so I have a lot of time to decide =].

mmmyeah. not much else to speak of. i'm really grateful for what i have lately. i've been looking forward to each day, and looking forward to the future. anxious to get a good paying job after school is done and get the hell out of this city :)

I'm not sure why I even use this thing anymore. I don't really. Rarely. I guess a weird part of me is still holding on to old stuff. I should probably start a new journal since my life is nothing like it was before and some of my old entries seem foreign and strange. I doubt anyone I gave a shit about really checks this thing anymore anyway. I got rid of everything but Facebook, since no one seems to be using myspace anymore.

I got my septum pierced. It's a little sore, but I like it a lot.


Also, went clubbing with my sister. I looked like a whore, but it was highly amusing. She is kind of ridiculous, for being in her 30s. I love her all the same.





Enrolled in Criminal Justice classes with Human Services classes on the side.


Semi-broke up with Steve a few times. Got back together with him. Confusing, but he is familiar and loving and feels like home. I don't know.

Hung out with Sully. Waste of my time. He is as negative as ever. Time hasn't changed anything, and it just brought me a lot of anxiety and repressed anger.

Looking for apartments on the west side. Everything is gross, but isn't living on the west side a rite of passage for your first apartment?

I would love to get out of this city.

Work sucks but it's a nice distraction from my own problems.

I don't really know what I want right now, or what I'm doing at all. I need time to re evaluate myself and be free. Thankfully, Steve is not suffocating me and is pretty open. He loves being around me regardless of what is going on and while I don't really understand that, I am appreciative. He is extremely selfless and giving

Looking for apartments. I don't give a shit anymore if it's cheap and gross. I just need my own space.
 

Went to go and get some movies at the mall today, and I got a txt from Sully saying he was there too, so we met up. I was with Steve so it was slightly awkward, but it was also nice to see him again. He looks so fucking skinny, it's craziness.

I just ate so much. I want to die.

Reconsidering the financial aid portion of college as it is getting outrageous.

It made me laugh ^_^
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